After I found out and accepted that I was pregnant, I did what all other first-time mothers do... I hit up Google, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and every other place that outsourced some type of information to help me cope with being pregnant, going through labor, what daddy should do (and inevitably doesn't do) during labor, and what to do/expect postpartum.
I went through pages and pages, sites upon sites, numerous blogs, and lists that could stretch for miles for all of my information, including info about breastfeeding. I was determined to be a breastfeeding mom. I knew from the day I knew I wanted kids that I would breastfeed. Everyone always talked about how hard it could be, but I was determined. I mean really...how hard can it be?
I say that to lead you into this: I don't think there is any "fact" that I don't know about breastfeeding. But books can only tell you so much. Nobody can tell you anything until you have that baby on the tit.
Breastfeeding, obviously, did not work out for me. I wanted it so bad. I went to classes, read books, had my $400 pump, and had the support from family members. First, I think it started off with a bad nursing consultant at the hospital. She pretty much told me that I would not be able to BF without a shield after only trying for a few minutes. So I immediately thought I was at fault right off the bat. (Come to find out...shields are more of a last resort, not a first option!) She stayed with me for five minutes, gave me the shield, and never came back. I had NO idea if I was doing it right...and apparently I wasn't. E for the first 3 days of his life was being starved and I was at fault for it since I was trying to exclusively BF. And because of that, K freaked out a little and--without realizing--made me feel even more guilty. So we had to give him formula and I went to pumping. Pumping worked for the first few weeks, but the pressure put on me from EVERY SINGLE EFFING PERSON was just WAY too much!!! It came from EVERY direction. First in my house. K was on pumping patrol and I just couldn't deal with that. My boobs were sore and bleeding and I would sit there with a pump on my boob for an hour to walk away with 3 ounces total from both breasts. But whatever literature HE read made him think that his way of supporting me was to put me on a strict schedule of water and food (he must have skipped the part about no stress) and literally every couple hours he would bring me water and stand there, waiting for me to gulp it down until he realized I wasn't going to. Then I had friends who would ask me if I was breastfeeding and when I told them I was currently supplementing with formula to meet the needs of E's appetite, they would lecture me on the benefits of breastfeeding. Yeah, no shit Sherlock!!! Why do you think I was determined to BF from the beginning. I'm not an idiot. I know more than you know about breastfeeding. So why don't you shut the fuck up? Then I started getting third party guilt. For instance, K got a phone call one evening from a co-worker/friend who he hadn't talked to in a few months. I have met this guy once. He asked K if I was breastfeeding...
Okay. Let me stop this shit right there. Nothing pisses me off MORE than outsiders having an opinion about as something as PERSONAL as breastfeeding, especially if that outsider is a MALE!! Go screw yourself! I don't ask YOU or other people personal questions about you, or ask questions that have nothing to do with me. I had a guy come up to me at a restaurant when I was 6 months pregnant and out of the blue ask if I planned on breastfeeding. W.T.F. I didn't go up to him and ask if he pulls out before he blows his load, why did he think it would be appropriate at all to ask me such a personal question???
Back to my story. K told him that we were using both breast milk and formula, but I couldn't help but hear a little embarrassment in K's voice. Maybe he didn't realize he did it, maybe he did. Either way--I, too, felt embarrassed. Then as I researched things on the internet about supplementing with formula, all I could come across were sites and blogs and posts and comments about how breast is best and I should be trying harder to breast feed because it's our right, dammit! And as women it's the best thing we can do for our kids.
Needless to say...I felt guilt. stress. pressure. And because of all of this pressure... I couldn't do it anymore. Because of all of this pressure and help groups for BREAST feeding, I felt like a failure. Nothing is worse than feeling like a failure as a new mom. It was awful... who am I kidding. It's still awful. So E has been strictly on formula for about 5 weeks now (he's 9 weeks). And guess what?? He's healthy! And he's happy. And that, my friends, is ALL that matters to me. He weighs 13 pounds and smiles constantly. I would love for someone to try to tell me that he's unhealthy.
But because of this situation I got put in, I realized that there is not enough support for formula feeding moms. Everyone is quick to judge when it comes to moms who aren't breastfeeding, but nobody is there to help! (Except for my mom group I found... those women were/are great!) Why is it okay for people to bash a woman for using formula? Society has worked so hard to make sure breastfeeding women feel comfortable in public for feeding their child and reassure them that mother's milk is best. But there are so many different reasons that women who formula feed choose or are forced to do so! And what does society and BF moms do?? Turn their shoulder. Nobody wants to help a formula feeding mama. I don't get that? E was starving and crying...what was I supposed to do? Let it happen? Where was my support? Where was somebody telling me it was okay to give them formula? That my baby eating SOMETHING nutritious was all that mattered?
It's sad. It's sad because to this day I lie. I lie to people about not breastfeeding. Strangers still ask. People just assume. I don't correct them. It's sad because society has made me feel guilty as a mom for not being able to continue breastfeeding when in reality, it's society's fault.
I still remind myself that the pressure society put on me, and therefore the pressure I put on myself was not healthy. My anxiety shot back up. I cried...a lot. And then I started feeling worthless. Then I started wanting to be away from E and K because I felt like I was letting them both down. I started to get scared that my feelings weren't normal postpartum emotions. What was healthy for E was to have a belly full, and a happy mom. I had to stop putting pressure on myself to keep up with his demand. My body wouldn't do so. I literally tried everything. I talked to lactation consultants, I did power pumping, I took fenugreek pills, I tried eating and drinking more. But my body said Hell Nahhhh, girlfriend! And the stress was the nail on the coffin. So I said screw it! and went straight to formula only. It was the best decision I made because I became happier, I stopped being so mad at K once he accepted that E was going straight to formula, and I started crying less and less.
I do wish, however, that there was more support for formula-feeding moms. We are ALL going through confusing and tough times as moms and trying to figure out our newborns. It's not fair for people, especially strangers, to make a mom feel guilty for doing what is best for BOTH mom and baby.
There are a few books out there to help, but usually bookstores don't carry them on their shelves.
And please, moms. Can we all just support one another???
That is all. I'm off my soapbox.
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