I don't know what it is, but the minute somebody sees your pregnant or hears through the grapevine, they automatically think that you are CLUELESS and you need the advice from a baby genius who does no wrong and is an expert at all things infant. And inevitably thinks that person is them. So people, take my advice. I was just like you. But now I'm a mom. And I am a baby genius and an expert at all things infant.
10. Only buy one item for them to sleep/nap in. They're a baby. They don't need a lot. Okay...screw you guys! If I would have listened to this advice, then the one thing I bought would have inevitably been the one thing he HATED. E has 5 different things to sleep in, and each thing does something different. What's funny? The one thing EVERYONE told me I needed, he can't stand. The thing people said was a waste of money...he sleeps in it almost every single day. So my advice? Put a ton of things on a registry and see which one works best for your little one. You'll thank me at 3 am when your baby is screaming, needing to be rocked to sleep, but you told everyone he was going to co-sleep so not to bother.
9. Don't buy a stock of maxi pads. The hospital will give you a ton. Go buy some more if you end up needing them. Okay, whoever the idiot was who started this rumor should be shot. Postpartum bleeding is NOT a joke and the very last thing I want to do is run out of pads and have to go up to the drugstore to buy more gargantuan pads praying I don't leave a trail back to my house.
8. Get as much sleep as you can before the baby comes. So it's not necessarily bad advice, but it annoys the crap out of me. Okay, I'll sleep all day and all night, let my house go to shit, not see any daylight...just so I can stay in bed all day. The only way this is helpful advice is if the sleep you are building up at this point transfers over to when you bring your baby home. I'm not going to be up at midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am, etc... for weeks on end... and think, Thank God I got all of that sleep while I was pregnant or else I would be really tired right now!! Use your heads people! Then I'm supposed to waste all of this energy and freedom while I have it to sit inside? The same thing I'm going to be stuck doing for the next, oh I don't know...forever??? My advice?? Get out, go see a movie, go shopping, be around germy (but not too germy) people, leave the house just to leave, have a spa day...whatever it is. Because you're not going to be doing it for at least 5 years.
7. Map out a route to the hospital and drive it a couple of times before the big day. The only time this is good advice is if you just moved to a new city and have no idea where anything is. Then yeah, it's a good idea to have a clue on how to get to the hospital where you're delivering. But guess what? Shit happens. Sometimes you can't go the route you planned...sometimes it makes sense at that time of day to go a different route. And your poor husband does not need another reason for you to yell at him on the way to the hospital. (I mean really! Does he have to hit every bump, pothole, red light in the entire city? Can he not just hurry up and/or slow down? Did he forget how to drive???) And if something happens where you can't go your specific route, your brain will alert itself to go into total freak-out, meltdown mode. And trust me, you don't need anything else to worry about. Do yourself a favor and just locate the hospital and make sure you are comfortable with arriving there in a way that makes sense.
6. Have a small notepad in your diaper bag/suitcase for the hospital with all of the names, phone numbers, email addresses, etc. of those you want to notify when you go into labor. HAHA!! Sorry. This makes me laugh. You know why? Because I listened to this advice and wasted a solid hour or more of my life that I could have been doing something else to prepare for baby. When you first go into labor, you don't want to notify everyone and their dogs because you won't be sure if it's the real deal or not. If by chance it is, then the contractions are going to be so bad that you're not going to be pulling out your phone to tell people whom you haven't seen in a year that you are, in fact, in labor. When the time comes, you'll know immediately who to call. Your immediate family. I had K call my mother first. Then she did the job of notifying my sisters. My sisters notified my friends through Facebook. He contacted his family. I didn't have to worry about any of it. Nor did I want to. I wanted the shit to stop hurting. That. was. it.
5. Hospital pack list items: Favorite shampoo and conditioner, robe & slippers, cute pajamas, a book and/or magazines, your own pads, and a blow dryer. First, two words: Dry Shampoo. You're not going to want to stand in the shower after giving birth to wash your hair. Most hospitals tell you to take a bath (sick) and with the stuff that floats around in that bath after birth, you definitely don't want to use that water to wash your hair (double sick). Brush your hair, spray in dry shampoo, and you're done! Second, robe and slippers. This bothers me because they make it seem like you're going to want to be walking around a lot during your hospital stay. I looked like a was straddling a horse for the first 3 days after giving birth; I wasn't walking unless I had to. And if you walk around the floor trying to get your water to break... nobody is going to be looking at you like you're soooo lazy that you couldn't even get out of your hospital gown to walk around. And why have a new robe just to destroy it with labor grossness? This also works for packing cute pajamas. They say this because they want you to feel like you're pretty. But you're not going to feel pretty when your pad leaks and you dyed your ass red. Pack 2 pairs of BLACK comfy pants, a nursing tank, and a zip-up jacket. You'll be in this the entire stay. Third, books and magazines. Whoever is comfortable enough during labor to concentrate on reading is a freak. Even with an epidural. These are just things to overcrowd your suitcase and make your poor husband lug around parking lots and hospital hallways. Fourth, your own pads. You idiot. The hospital gives you pads! Oh, those are too big? Have fun changing your medium flow pad every 30 minutes. You'll want to use the hospital ones, trust me! And fifth, a blow dryer. I thought I would bring mine...so glad I didn't. Like I said....DRY SHAMPOO. It's a life-saver.
4. You don't need to wash your newborn except for once a week. This is for moms whose babies don't stink, poop, pee, have hair, etc. And when you start smelling those sour milk curds in their neck creases that stink like a dog who rolled around in roadkill, you'll change your mind on how often to wash the little one.
3. Be as quiet as possible when you bring your baby home so your baby can sleep. Newsflash: newborns sleep all of the time and can pretty much sleep through anything. Now that mine is a little older, he can nap while I'm vacuuming because we didn't listen to this advice. Do you want your baby to freak out anytime he hears a noise while he's sleeping? I didn't think so.
2. Have guests come over to help if offered. Here's the problem with this. If they really help? Awesome. You can definitely use the help with dinner, cleaning, etc. But a lot of people when they offer to help, really mean I'll hold the baby while she is awake and happy, but once she needs to be fed, changed, or starts crying, I'm going to need you to take care of the baby and entertain me. I've heard way too often of this happening. And guess what? Guests don't expect you to stay in bed all day. They don't want to see you in your pajamas. They don't understand why you don't want to leave the house. And they definitely don't really want to help you sleep by getting up at 3 am with a baby. Guests are liars.
1. Don't forget to register for clothes for your baby shower. Oh my gosh, please don't listen to that advice! People are going to buy you clothes no matter what, because only weirdos can pass up purchasing a baby onsie with a tie, a midget version of grownup slacks, shoes that could fit a cabbage patch kid's foot, and a sports jacket that a baby will get no use out of, but makes the new baby look like an adorable version of a little disproportional adult. If you add clothes, you'll only GET clothes. If you add other things you really need...you might get a cute outfit with a baby monitor.
There it is. 10 things for you to follow. If you don't listen to my advice, I'll be looking forward to reading your blog you created just to refer people to this blog to save them time and the headache you received for ignoring me.
No comments:
Post a Comment